The afternoon air stood still as the sun streamed quietly into my bedroom, contradicting the violent wrestling within my heart. In this season of heartbreak after heartbreak, it had become my habit to hide in my room, shut the door (even if I was home alone), and meet with God. This was my secret place of refuge where I would pray and weep, and where God would comfort me through His Word. There, sitting in His presence, my broken heart often found strength to carry on.
But not today. Today, there was no comfort.
As I had done countless times before, I poured out my heart and sorrows to the Lord, but instead of words of comfort, He showed me a hidden sin in my heart – a lack of surrender. He revealed the areas where I was withholding my heart and convicted me to repent.
I was not expecting that.
I was facing a mid-life crisis of disappointment. I thought of all the ways I had served God, doing my best to live for Him, and yet, somehow, my life had not yielded noticeable fruit. Instead of an exciting life following Jesus, I was facing dishes, laundry, broken relationships, financial hardship, more dishes, and a host of other unmet expectations.
In my frustration, I cried out to God. How is this the abundant life? Why are you allowing so much hurt?