things i wish i could say

things i wish i could say

 

i’ve learned that to write is to listen

to the scrambled thoughts locked inside

and find a way to allow them out

i feel them restless and yearning to break to the surface

held back by fear…

fear of what I will find…

fear of what you will think…

instead i wax and wane the words you hear ‘til they glisten with acceptance

polish til they shine

and reflect the edited version of me that you see

coward that i am, i choke back

what i long to say

and stuff my pitiful pile of mangled thoughts back into the tattered box of

the unsaid

and place it on the shelf of

another time

 

one day i’ll be brave

one day i’ll find the courage

not today

probably not tomorrow

but if i could…and when i do…this what i would say

 

 

i would tell you about the things i fear

the fear of my failing, my disgrace exposed

the fear of remaining hidden followed by the slow death of boredom

fear of success and breaking free from irons that have both comforted

and wounded me

fear that i’ll lose those i love and find too late

what i’ve lost

fear that the me you see will disappoint and

rejection will follow in its wake

 

or maybe i would tell you that you hurt me

the wound you left bled me dry

a ruined heap

only the grace of God enabled my heart

to heal and my soul to breathe

you walked over me and never noticed the ground felt different

i can’t say it now because it would hurt you

would you even believe me?

 

and if i had a word left or two,

i would tell you

about the one who steps into my fear

and walks into my hurt

who wipes away my tears and covers my scars with his own nail-scarred hands

who remembers that i am made of dust,

weak, frail, and broken,

but sees only his reflection

 

if courage would tell you this

i would let him speak

but it’s only me and maybe i’m not brave enough

to tell you what you need to know