things i wish i could say
i’ve learned that to write is to listen
to the scrambled thoughts locked inside
and find a way to allow them out
i feel them restless and yearning to break to the surface
held back by fear…
fear of what I will find…
fear of what you will think…
instead i wax and wane the words you hear ‘til they glisten with acceptance
polish til they shine
and reflect the edited version of me that you see
coward that i am, i choke back
what i long to say
and stuff my pitiful pile of mangled thoughts back into the tattered box of
the unsaid
and place it on the shelf of
another time
one day i’ll be brave
one day i’ll find the courage
not today
probably not tomorrow
but if i could…and when i do…this what i would say
i would tell you about the things i fear
the fear of my failing, my disgrace exposed
the fear of remaining hidden followed by the slow death of boredom
fear of success and breaking free from irons that have both comforted
and wounded me
fear that i’ll lose those i love and find too late
what i’ve lost
fear that the me you see will disappoint and
rejection will follow in its wake
or maybe i would tell you that you hurt me
the wound you left bled me dry
a ruined heap
only the grace of God enabled my heart
to heal and my soul to breathe
you walked over me and never noticed the ground felt different
i can’t say it now because it would hurt you
would you even believe me?
and if i had a word left or two,
i would tell you
about the one who steps into my fear
and walks into my hurt
who wipes away my tears and covers my scars with his own nail-scarred hands
who remembers that i am made of dust,
weak, frail, and broken,
but sees only his reflection
if courage would tell you this
i would let him speak
but it’s only me and maybe i’m not brave enough
to tell you what you need to know